Category Archives: banter

things to laff and such

What up frands…I went to Bridgetown Comedy Fest this weekend, and enjoyed that jam! Well, I enjoyed every day apart from Saturday which found me in bed all day due to my excessive party gene, which reared its charming head on Friday (caused me to be chastised by a couple comedians, both performing and observing, for talking during a couple sets).  Oops, okay?

Anyway, I missed a couple of the bigger names I wanted to see, but saw some great sets at Mt. Tabor, the BOG patio, and the continuous run of people at the Tanker.

If you give a damn you should check out these joke-tellers if you don’t already know of  them…hopefully you won’t have to wait until next year’s festival. Aaaaaand hopefully you won’t have to go to Harvey’s (or you’ll finally have a good reason to?) I shall provide you with a picture of the performer in order to engage beyond the point that words might, but I ain’t posting a ton of You Tube videos or anything, so click the links if you know what’s good for thee…

Hannibal Burress was pretty hilarious. Jessie wanted to do him. But she didn’t. He gave me shit for talking at the Tanker. I apologized!


he greets you

Dave Hill told a hilarious tale of gay socks. He’s from New York. I recommend!

lavish lifestyle

lavish comedian lifestyle

Natasha Leggero…surely you’ve seen her on tons of things. She is funny! And a woman!
(she’s also a part of  Pretty Funny Women which i find a lame concept, but whatevs, she’s funny)

pretty awesome

pretty awesome

I was a little starstruck by Andy Blitz. Come on!

i like you


Richard Bain is pretty hee-larious and seems a total coolman…he lives this city. You should see him…somewhere…sometime!



Holly Mills was really, really funny in a super appealing understated “nerdy girl” way. I didn’t say it. She did.



Andy Haynes is funny and from Seattle and we three found him a bit dashing as well! Gracious!

young man in plaid shirt, you guuuuuuys!

young man in plaid shirt, you guuuuuuys!

Alex Koll offered wizardly appearance and sang a goddamn catchy song about Dad amnesia.



There were many many more including this guy John Ryan who caused me to nearly die.  He’s pretty elusive on the interweb, but I came upon this video. Dry as a damn desert. I love.

Anyway, I’ve heard enough masturbation/porn jokes to last me a lifetime, so thank you every single male comedian. I don’t need to see any more pelvic thrusts on stage for…ever?
Janeane Garafalo was funny and told some giiiiiiirl jokes so I could relaaaaaate y’all!  Jessie stopped her on the sidewalk and professed her love. Dear.

go blazers?



things neither to love nor such

So far this 2009:

1. Someone tried to steal my car. I think they got away with about $0.41 and did about $700 worth of damage to my car.  Thieves are not that thoughtful. I do not have $700.

2.  I got laid off from my job. New parent company in California eliminates Portland office…you know, where the company started.  Tale as old as time, I suppose.  Like Romeo and Juliet.

3. I develop intense sickness 2 days prior to fun birthday festivities. Head full of snot and many coughings.  I’m eating zinc and going though toilet paper like it’s…toilet paper. I hope to be able to taste food at birthday dinner with boyfriend at Beast.

Things to love:

1. My roommate who makes me tea and listens to me blow my nose at 2 minute intervals and who drove me everywhere while my car was not driveable.

2. My beau who brings me soup and says cheesy things about my being cute while i’m sick and also drives me everywhere.

3. NyQuil


lace thy neck

Don’t tell me you didn’t see that picture of Drew Barrymore the other day with her newly bleach blonde hair and didn’t say “the necklace, oh god, the necklace.”


Because that is what I did. But one must assume she spent $500 on it, in order to properly wealthily contrast with her “vintage tee” and “raybans” and “black jeans.” So I immediately took to the interweb to find an appropriately priced substitute.

I found one on Urban Outfitters for $34, but whoa the one that looked like Ms. Barrymore’s is totally gone and sold out now…dang power of celebrity! The ones left look less glassy and sleek and more day-camp project or if-a-native-american-fortune-teller-owned-a-jewelry-business (which actually might be a great idea).













Next in the thought process was that “balls, I could totally party on the bead loom and make one of these in a jif.” Which, maybe I could but it also sounds kinda boring.

No wait.

I’ve decided it’s totally appropriate.  It wouldn’t take that long and it certainly would cost less than the $295.00 that Fiona Paxton’s beautiful necklace is selling for at Barney’s.  OR even the $205.20 for which it’s sold at UK Webstore Nina and Lola.


But it shore is lovely.

Check out her other necklaces too:



And this super-hottie collar type necklace which caused me to kind of shriek with delight when I saw it.  Well, I like pretty things. Sorry.


I’ve just decided that maybe they are worth $200.  They surely take a long while to make. I approve.




One more thing.  There was a segment on The Today Show this morning about how fake luxury handbags and shit like, cause terrorism and support child labor and take American jobs (you know, all those European handbags made in America?) and everything that we know to be bad in the world.  And I totally believe that and am surely not interested in gaudy fake designer bags in the slightest, but screw you, overpaid TV personalities and bourgie fashion editors.  

I’m glad you’re totally loaded enough to sit here and have this dialogue about the importance of people not buying fake $4,000 handbags or even fake $300 handbags or $200 Nikes that your fashion magazines and tv shows place importance upon and spread and trickle down that influence to middle Americans (or not even) who cannot begin to afford a silly Kate Spade or LV handbag but want to feel like they just might have their finger on the pulse of something, even if it was popular 10 years ago.  You’re responsible for their desire! You’re responsible for that “need!” You may not be sewing up the shitty bags or stealing the print, or yelling at the tiny kids to sew faster, but you totally created it.

So I guess it’s good that Bazaar started this campaign ( to maybe accept some responsibility, but it’s still annoying to listen to the top 10% being like “Don’t buy fakes, poor people.” 

Also maybe you should tell Louis Vuitton that he (you know, Louis) shouldn’t burn the seasonal bags that aren’t sold at the end of a season instead of putting them on sale because he doesn’t want the “sale” stigma.  Seems rude. And kind of a slap in the face.  “Oh, you want this bag? Well I could put it on sale so you still wouldn’t be able to afford it, buuuut nah, I’d rather burn it.”


My mom was badass…for the record.




i got a pain in tha shoulda!

Recently my shoulder’s kinda been hurting me and I’ve been convinced that it’s because I sleep on my stomach with my hands above my head and scrunch my shoulders. So I’ve tried like, 2 times for 10 seconds each to sleep on my back. Booooring.

THEN last night I had a clouds-open-anvil-falls-on-head revelation while I was out. My purse! This is so obvious.  I bought a Marc Jacobs bag in July that I really like a lot (and bought for 50% off) and so I pretty much use it every day.  It’s also fairly big, I guess. It doesn’t seem huge, comparatively, but I guess it’s big enough to carry a lot. And I do.

So I weighed it.


9 lbs!!!


That’s far too many pounds. You say “hey girl, what you got in that bag…that makes it weigh that many pounds? You got some gold bars in there? Planning an all night disco bowling party?” No I am not. I just like to be prepared.


Surely I can justify the wallet and the moleskine and my ipod and camera and phone and maybe even the I Love NY lighter.  And understand that I do not take my makeup bag with me everywhere I go- I’m not so vain.



Four lipglosses? Really? And a lipstick?
A tampon is a prudent item to carry around and I reserve my right to carry a giant Sharpie for an impromptu bathroom bar tagging.
No, I do not carry a cup of soup everywhere I go, but it’s winter.  People need a healty snack y’all.
A brand new toothbrush? I dunno.
Gum. Okay.
Boogie Ice gum that my brother brought me from South America. Crucial.  Almost as crucial as a pair of wax lips Hailey gave me around Halloween.
Hmm a pen, a nail file, earrings, a ring, matches, hair clip, headband, awesome paperback book (Seriously, have you read the Secret History? It’s really good and entertaining and one of the main characters’ name is a guy named Bunny.)

Anyways, I plan to lighten my load. But I’m sure I’ll regret it when I don’t have the exactly right shade of reddish-pink lip product and I’m sure you will be downtrodden when I have no low-cal potato leek soup to offer you when you’re starving.  Nor wax lips. Do you eat wax lips? They’re wax, right? Gross. gotta go.


2-10 lame people in a photograph.

Can I talk about another website that I hate that everyone finds hilarious?

Hey, thank you!

Well, it’s called Hot Chicks with Douchebags and I’m sure you’ve been there and laughed at the foolish looking dudes who have intense tans, or ugly styled hair, or leave like, 5 buttons undone on their shirts while they’re partying in a Hummer Limo or whatever.
You have, right? And those guys are dopes. I guess I’d prefer to dream that people like that don’t walk the earth (living in Portland is pretty effective for this) at all, but yeah, they’re here they’re queer. Ew and ha. I get that that’s funny.

But what’s always ignored, I guess, is that these chicks with whom they’re hanging out are most likely totally gross too? I mean, surely their giant fake boobs that are busting out of their bikinis and club clothes and their own orange tans may not be evidence enough that these women are caught up in some weird gross world of striving to be some Playboy-style of hotness, but doesn’t the fact that they’re partying with these dudes and taking party pictures pursing their lips and sticking out their asses make them equally douche-y?

Besides, both sexes totally wear Ed Hardy, and it is appropriate for neither.

this girl

This girl's douchiness far outweighs the bro's. Corsets are not shirts. And close your mouth young lady.

These dudes are lame. And so are her ripped jeans. Bikini tops are not shirts.

These dudes are lame. And so are her ripped jeans. Bikini tops are not shirts. Also...the sunglasses?

Sister, do not

Sister, do not stick your buttocks out for one, let alone two gross-ass dudes to grope for a photographer. I'm sure you're drunk, but where's your friend to tell you "no" huh?


I guess I forget that while camo cargo shorts on a dude are douchey, a matching hat and embellished camo short-shorts on a chick are perfectly acceptable. Oh right, as long as she has giant tee-tas it's cool, yah? Don't even get me started about whatever nipple ring double standard I'm sure is in place...

this girl looks normal, right?

This girl looks normal, right? And yeah, totally pretty. Aside from whatever weird green-colored beverage she's drinking. Buuut she looks pretty cozy with ol' gel-hair-camo-shirt-big-chain guy, huh? I must assume the worst. She's a fool.

I know…I’m a killjoy.  I just think it’s lame and gross.  Because of the way these otherwise probably normal looking guys style themselves, they’re douchey, but the women who are totally douchey in the same way are still hot and just their accessory?

I say no no.




You know what? Dang that Kenley on Project Runway for totally making feathers and feather hairclips something that people are going to associate with her.  And even if not, I kinda just feel like it’s a low-rent hipster move.  Not that I care…or should care.

I just really like them feathers! Seriously…I hosted a feather craft night…I mean business. They’re pretty!

Among others, I’m sure, Hubris&Sophrosyne have been turning out super pretty feather headpieces and jewelry since at least 2006 (and surely prior to) and when I wore one in my friend’s wedding my buds thought it was weird. Cool.



Well now they’re hocking this stuff at Urban Outfitters, and while still pretty (!) they’re surely overpriced. But I totally want to wear this at a Holiday party nonetheless:


$34...not THAT shabby

Also gorgeous are the headbands and such made by Moth Love which boast “hand plucked” feathers by the artist (as well as a fairly heavy-handed hippy dippy mission statement if you ask me. I respect the cause, but I’m drowning in your ideals… sister!)

But aren’t they pretty?!



Even more pretty when you’re lolling about in a bed of faux fur (how’s that for sustainable?!)



You may buy these at etsy and you bet your buttocks they’re from Portland! They’re too expensive, I say. $70-$80? They sell them at Pin Me also. I’ve wanted to buy, but I draw the line maybe around $50 for a headband?

It’s real hard to justify buying any of these little darlings at these prices, when you take one look at the cost of feathers and you say to yourself “Girl you got a pair of hands and $40. Make a whole set!”

Check out‘s selection and thank me later!